Day 14: A picture you love

Day 13: Goals

• Above all, to be happy
• Stay healthy and active
• Be a good Mom and girlfriend
• Finish my degree
• Use said degree to get a career
• Get my own car
• Finish Addi's baby book and blanket
• Learn fiddle
• Renovate kitchen, downstairs bathroom, front foyer, laundry room and back entrance
• Build new house

4 MONTHS

Weight: 13 lbs 12 oz
Length: 63 cm
Recent milestones: Holding self up on belly, stands herself up when someone holds her hands, learning to drink pumped milk from a bottle, teething
Favourite toy: Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Learning Puppy, Sophie the Giraffe, Playgro Zany Zoo Happy Gums book
Sleep: 11 pm - 7 am, getting up once or twice with sore gums
Diapers: Love Pampers Baby Dry (2), Huggies Snug and Dry (2) are okay but don't feel very good on your skin, Dislike Huggies Little Snugglers (2)

Day 12: What you believe

Is this where I'm supposed to tell you about religion (or lack thereof) in my life?

Those who do believe don't understand why I do not. Then I ask them if "God" created everyone equally, why can't gays marry? Why did women and Native Indians have to earn the right to vote years after men and whites? Why did black people have to sit at the back of the bus? Why would such a great creator make war, poverty, aids, and natural disaster? Why do people like Russel Williams get to see the light of day while my friends died before they reached 15?

I don't know what I believe. I leave you with Lonestar's "I Pray."

I can't quote the Bible
I skipped Sunday school
And I can't count the times I fell and broken the golden rule
So I don't know if He listens
Sometimes I wonder if He cares
Maybe I'm just wishin'
'Cause I can't even prove He's there

But I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray

Now I confess I don't bow my head as often as I should
Mostly just when times are bad, rarely when they're good
And I don't hold with too much preachin'
But I was raised up to believe
That a man can't ever stand as tall
As when he gets down on his knees

So I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray

So I pray
For a world that's gone half crazy
I pray
For every woman child and man
To find the strength to rise above
To teach each other how to love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day

I pray
I pray

Day 11: Favourite TV shows

• Gilmore Girls
• Grey's Anatomy
• ER
• Parenthood
• CNN/Anything with Anderson Cooper
• Teen Mom...Flame away! I admit it's my guilty pleasure!

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

I've always been scared of thunderstorms. I'm not really sure why. I can handle the lightning and rain, but the sound of thunder makes me regress to being six years old again. I want to hide away and cry, and curl up with someone I love. When I was young, I used to go into my parents room and sleep on their floor during storms because their room was quieter than mine, and I naively believed (as all children do) that nothing could possibly go wrong if they were there with me.

When I was in University, my friend invited me to a BBQ but it started to rain when I went to catch the bus. I knew the BBQ would still be happening, as he has a covered patio and we could just take the party inside. Alas, at 20 years old, when lightning struck and thunder rolled, I ran back in to my apartment screaming like a baby. The host called within minutes and I didn't have to explain anything. I answered the phone and he said "It's storming outside. Get out of your PJs, and put your clothes back on. I'm coming to get you."

Day 9: A picture of your friends

Day 8: Somewhere you've travelled to

This isn't so much a place I've travelled to, as it is a site within one of my trips that I'd like to tell you about. My school trip to NYC was planned for October 2001. Needless to say, it was post-poned, but only for another year. Though I have no pictures, the images of post-9/11, just one year later, are forever ingrained in my head.

I thought back to this specific part of my trip just recently when I saw what Louisina looks like years after a hurricane hit and the government did little to help them. NYC, in my opinion, was very much the same. There's a lot of arguing going on right now about what should be done with the site. I'm not from there, nor is anyone I really know personally. That doesn't mean I don't want something done. Citizens and family members alike need to be able to move on. They do not deserve to see a giant hole in the ground ten years later.

You might think I'm exaggerating when I say "giant hole in the ground." Here's hoping that's not what it looks like now, but that's exactly what it was then. I didn't know if I'd get to see where those two towers stood. Obviously that wasn't on our agenda. It's not a tourist spot. It's not a happy place. Walking down Wall Street on crutches (I went with a broken knee) was a difficult enough task. We literally held hands getting through the swarms of people in black suits wearing black shades, holding black suit cases, and walking at the speed of light. I remember thinking "I can't imagine people living here." There was just so much hubbub. It was painfully loud, with people yelling and horns honking. There was just too much going on.

And then there was silence. I didn't know what we had come to until the crowd ahead of me dispersed. And there was a giant hole in the ground, surrounded by just a chain link fence. This whole was hundreds of feet long, wide, and deep. Construction workers filled the site with dump trucks and back hoes. On said fence were stone monuments filled with names of those who had died, from workers, to police officers, to fire fighters...the list goes on. As we all stood in silence, feeling awkwardly out of place, I took a look around me and it finally sunk in. There were buildings with scaffolding on them. Some buildings were set to be torn down. There was a stair case to know where, that once led to one of hundreds of other floors.

Watching what had happened just one year prior didn't do it justice. As I stood there on the sidewalk beside a silently greaving woman, and a man crying about losing his son, it finally sank in. It was eerily silent, juxtaposed by the chaos and noise of Wall Street. Not one of us spoke to another. What was there to say? Some debated as to whether or not it would be right to take pictures. It's not something we wanted to forget, but it is a place of mourning. I don't think we needed cameras to remember this day.

Day 7: Favourite movies

• Fracture
• I Am Sam
• The Little Mermaid
• Love and Basketball
• Mary Poppins
• The Notebook
• Wizard of Oz

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

Other things that make me happy:

• Isaac
• Smooth Kraft Peanut Butter
• The colour yellow
• Guys who play guitar
• Palm trees
• Concerts
• Cadbury Mini Eggs
• Inside jokes
• Flip flops
• Daisies
• New Years Eve
• Gilmore Girls

Day 5: Your siblings

I have a half brother I've never met. He's Isaac's age, and shares the same birthday as him. They also share the same middle name. I'm not sure if he knows of my existence or that of my brother. He's not one we speak of often.

My brother is two years older and I love him so much! He's so much fun. We've always gotten along but sometimes our similarities get to be overwhelming and we tire of each other quickly lol. He's very outspoken and outgoing. He can strike up a conversation with a total stranger and not feel the least bit uncomfortable. He's loving and friendly, but not afraid to tell you if he disagrees with something you say. He's stubborn as can be, and hates to admit it. He knows more about cars than anyone I've met in my life. He's very hands-on and hates being in a classroom setting. He falls hard and fast. He learned quickly as a pre-teen that life is precious, so he lives every day like it's his last. He's adventurous and loves to be out. He loves his little girl more than anything and has another one on the way, along with getting married this August.

Day 4: Your parents

I love my parents soooooo so much. They've always been wonderful parents to both myself and my brother. We had great childhoods and have both gone on to have great relationships and babies of our own. They taught me to speak up for myself and to learn my rights. Don't let anyone walk all over you. People treat you the way you let them treat you. They taught me to set goals for myself and do what I believe in. Don't give up on what you love. They gave me freedom and privacy, yet were there for me when I needed someone to confide in. They taught me the importance of finishing school, even though they didn't do it themselves. They let my brother and I do sports and extra-curriculars without being overloaded, and only if our grades did not drop. They showed us respect and taught us manners. They gave us rules and structure. Sometimes they had to let us learn the hard way. They were there for us if we needed a shoulder to cry on or a ride home in the middle of the night. They never said "I told you so." Most importantly, they were our parents first and friends second.

Day 3: Your first love

My first love was Brad, just like every other girl my age. We ended up getting married on the baseball diamond at school one recess when we were six. He was my neighbour for years and is still a good friend.

Now for my first real love...I had seen Jake G around in 9th and 10th grade but I didn't get along with his then-girlfirend and he and I didn't have any of the same classes, so I didn't interact much with Jake until 11th grade. He got closer with my group of friends at the beginning of the school year and it turns out he and Brit had just broken up that August (funny that I remember such details so many years later). While bitching over lunch about our friends dating/not dating/dating/not dating, we ended up quickly getting closer to one another. One thing led to another, and I am the one who ended up asking him out.

We were inseparable and had so much fun together. We were always laughing and I felt really secure about myself and us as a couple when we were together. Maybe a little too secure? It kinda freaked me out how serious he was at such a young age. He kept talking about wanting to settle down with me, when I couldn't even decide what to have for breakfast the next morning. It scared me and I tried to get him to slow things down a little. I also tried to show him that I wanted to live a little too. I wanted to go have girls nights and days out with other friends as much as I wanted time with him. I didn't want to feel "tied down" at 16 (or ever).

When things took a turn, I never imagined how quickly it would all end. Things went from bad to worse in a flash. Initially, he took me back. Looking back, I should have known that this in itself was actually a bad sign. I could have walked all over him and he still worshipped the ground I walked on. It was all too much than I could handle at the time. I broke up with him, and he took me back only to have me break up with him again in two months or so.

Clearly this is just the Coles Notes and we've moved on for the better in the past six years. I just hate how things ended. Surprisingly we made it out of the above situation on top and tried to be friends. This worked until his next girlfriend crept her way in and ruined everything between those two, she and I, and he and I. I haven't heard from either one of them in years. It makes me sad but I guess it's for the best. I've learned more than I ever could have imagined from that one short year. We shared many firsts together that I wouldn't take back for the world. He opened my eyes and showed me what I deserve. I haven't had a single crap relationship and it's all because of him. He set the bar high at a young age and I never settled for anything less than him afterward.

He has since gone on to do amazing things in his life, like studying abroad and having art shows in Los Angeles and London, England. I have gone on to find the true love of my life, and the father of my amazing daughter. Things are a lot different now. We've come a long way, HWDHB. Take care of yourself. Sweet dreams.

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

It's from the song "My Wish" by Rascal Fatts.  It summarizes my hopes for the lives of those I love, especially my daughter.  I want her to find her passion and be happy in life doing what she loves.  Dream big and do everything you can to achieve your goals.

3 mos already?

You're over three months old, baby girl!  Can you believe it?  I used to laugh at moms, ALWAYS talking about how quickly babies grow...Now here I am.  I just can't believe it!  It's like you're doing something new every day, and I can't keep up!  You're growing out of clothes every week, making new noises, and moving in new ways.

In the past two weeks, you've learned how to grab hold of things (and not let go) and play with toys.  Daddy's Aunt Hope, cousins Cherise and Patricia, and Patricia's boyfriend Danny all came to visit you at the end of January.  They brought you a new outfit and a squishy book.  You grabbed hold of that book and haven't let it go since.  Before then, I'd never seen you grab anything!  Then days later, you were laying down on your play mat and reached up for your toys, and made them play music.  It's amazing!

You smile ALL.THE.TIME. and I've heard you giggle four times, though it's hard to get it out of you at this point.  It'll come in time.  At your last doctor's appointment you were 11 lbs 5 oz and 57 cm long, but that was a month ago now so I'm sure you're much bigger.  You got your needles then, which was my worst experience with you yet.  The next ones are in March and I'm hoping I can change it to a Friday so Daddy can come with me.  I want him to be traumatized too.  It's awful!

You're mostly wearing 0-3 mos clothes still because you're pretty long and skinny, but you have some 3-6 things that fit now too.  I love that you can fit into "real" pants now, so you're not always wearing sleepers or a onesie with footed pants.  You can wear little outfits.  I even splurged and bought you two cheap little head bands recently because you didn't have any, and I haven't bought you much.  Next on the list is something for St Patricks Day, a bathing suit, and eventually and Easter dress.  We've had SO many clothes passed down for you and bought as gifts for you that I haven't had to buy anything, really, so it's nice to shop once in a while for that something special, just from Mommy.

What else...You're still not a huge fan of tummy time, unfortunately, but it's much better than it was.  The new play mat makes a big difference.  You like to see yourself in the mirror, so I make sure you can do that, and lay in front of it on the floor, to give you a focal point to focus on.  You've been sleeping from 11 pm - 7 am pretty regularly since December.  You have your crazy nights of both bad and good, but that's the norm 9/10 nights.  Hopefully it'll only get better from here!

You love being held and still only really cry when you're hungry.  I'm starting to pump now in an attempt to get a stash of milk for bottles.  I've only tried one (4 oz) bottle so far and it did not go well at all, but it'll get better with practise.  You sat there for an HOUR with a big smile on your face licking the bottle.  Licking it, not sucking the milk down.  You just had no idea what to do with it.  Once you figured out what to do the milk was gone in about three seconds flat, but it took a long time to get there.  I'm hoping to pump every day to get a good stash to make it easier on everyone if we want to go out shopping, or have you spend some time alone with the grandparents etc.

You fall asleep in the truck and the stroller, although you're usually wide awake when I take you shopping in Belleville.  I think it's all the noises and lights that you're otherwise not used to.  It's pretty quiet here and at the Grandparents houses.  You're a people watcher, and like to know what's going on around you.  When people are over and someone else is holding you, you always seem to keep an eye on me.  You get grumpy when you can't see me, but everything is instantly back to normal when I come back into view.

Everyone describes you as a really happy, laid back baby.  That's how Daddy was too.  It's hard to say if I would have been that way because I was really sick when I was this young, and I had an older brother to contend with.  You've been meeting a lot of new people lately and I'm trying to take you new places once in a while.  Slowly, but surely, we're all getting the hang of this.  Daddy and I love every second with you.  We're having so much fun and learning so much about each other and ourselves when we're together.

I love you!

- Mommy xo

Blog challenge day 1: A picture and 15 facts about yourself

1. I've gone to more concerts than I can count, most of which were free. Some favourites include The Hip, Great Big Sea, and Three Days Grace.
2. I'm allergic to pizza.  I've also never been a fan of cake, and yet cupcakes are one of my favourite foods.
3. I'm a spelling and grammar nazi.  Don't just use Spell Check; read it over.  Learn your homonyms.  Use commas.
4. I'm ridiculously ticklish. Ridiculous.
5. I wish I could go bare foot all the time. If I have to wear shoes in the Summer, it's flip-flops, which I own countless pairs of.
6. Guys who play guitar are hot.
7. I never believed people could "feel the weather" in their bones until I first dislocated my knee.  I have since dislocated it another three times and broken it once.
8. I'm not afraid to speak the truth. Even my own Mom says I don't have a filter.
9. I've known most of my closest friends for 10-15 (or more) years already.
10. Gilmore Girls was practically written for my Mom and I.
11. I don't necessarily believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater," but someone once told me that once you cheat on someone, you're bound to cheat on that same person again.  I think he was on to something.
12. I judge books by their covers.
13. I often laugh out loud over things that happened days ago.
14. Wizard of Oz is a classic.  One of my favourite movies and books.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow is one of my favourite songs.  I struggle to accept that Judy Garland is Liza Manelli's mother.
15. It drives me crazy when people can't work hallways and sidewalks properly.  Treat it like a road!

I think it's time for a post that's not all baby

"I wanna talk about me.  I wanna talk about I.  I wanna talk about..."  Oh Toby Keith.  How I love thee.  Seriously though, I think it's time to mix it up and give everyone an update on everything else going on in our lives, and start this Blog Challenge.

Isaac and I are loving our new house and baby girl.  He's still in the city Mon-Thurs but that's about to change very soon.  He's taking Paternity Leave!  He'll get the whole last half of it (six-ish months).  I'm so excited!  I'll be staying home too, focusing on school and enjoying being a stay-at-home Mom (SAHM) for now.

We got the house in July and I moved in in August of last year.  Before our tenant moved in September 1, he redid our upstairs bathroom and her bathroom from scratch, painted said bathrooms/our bedroom/living room/dining room, started the nursery (still not quite finished), got a new roof, took down the old porch and made a new one, resurfaced the deck and stoop, installed a new outdoor lamp post...That's all I can think of off-hand but I'm sure there is more.  We picked up new couches, replaced some light fixtures.

Why am I telling you this?  We're continuing the renovations, starting this Spring.  Isaac is ripping apart the kitchen and downstairs bath and starting from scratch on both.  We'll redo the laundry room too, and paint everything, plus the two entry ways and guest bedroom.  Everything mentioned is getting new floors, too.  I'm so excited!  It'll be a lot of work but he got all that stuff done last Summer when he was only here on weekends, so I imagine this will be done quickly too.

We also got a trailer to camp out in at the lot for the Summer.  It's mainly a roof over our heads when we're out there in a few years building our future house.  Again, SO excited!

I was supposed to start school this semester but CUTV didn't have much to offer and not many people signed up for my classes so they were scratched.  Not impressed by this AT ALL but what can you do?  Hopefully I'll be able to find enough Summer courses to get my degree finished soon!!  I can't wait to go back.  I really miss school.

The in-laws have picked a location and date for their 30th anniversary cruise, which should be nice.  They're gone for three full weeks!  They'll have to catch up on their time with A when they get back.  They're going in April and return just in time for the birth of A's cousin!

Speaking of, Ryan's second daughter is due April 29.  I'm guessing she'll be born April 25.  I don't know why, I just picked that date and stuck with it.  It'll be a busy time of year for that family.  Once she's born, they'll have about three months to finalize their plans for their wedding (reception).  We all have so much to look forward to this year!

Next up on my new blog

Things to try and cover:

• Tweaking the overall appearance here and there
• Lissasue and ATP's blog challenges
• Milestones/favourites: Birth, First day home, bath, First smile, First haircut, First solid food, Pulls self up, First steps, First words, First tooth, First birthday, Sleeping, Yawning, Finds toes, Holds bottle, Eats finger food, Funny face, Belly laugh, Rolls over, Sits up, Tummy time, Plays with toys, Favorite blanket, Family time, Visits grandparents, Kiss, Giggles, Held by mom, Held by dad, Reading a story, Singing a song, Claps hands, Waves bye-bye, Plays peek-a-boo, Holds head up, First Thanksgiving, First Christmas, Family outing, Crawling, Stands up, Hands in sand, Feet in grass, First playmate, Trip to the zoo, Visits the park, Snow, Boo-boo,Canada Day, Easter, Halloween, Valentine's Day, St Paddy's
• Include more pics/AW some formal dresses/holiday outfits/bathing suits I'm trying to choose between

Happy Valentine's Day, baby girl!

I know I keep saying "I can't believe it," but it's true!  I used to laugh at mom's who were constantly in awe of how quickly their babies grew.  Now I am one of those moms.  It's like I blink and you're a whole new person, growing like a weed and learning new things every day.

It doesn't feel like it was already a year ago that I had the biggest surprise of my life.  I really had no idea what to do or how to feel.  It was exciting but scary at the same time.  A lot has changed since then, and I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.  Isaac and I are so in love with this little girl.

Just within the past two weeks we've noticed a huge change in how she interacts with her toys.  She went from kind of batting them once in a while to full on grabbing them and holding on.  She won't let go of anything now.  She also uses her thumb properly to get a good grasp on everything.  When she lays on her playmat she reaches up to touch the animals that dangle from above.  When she hits one of them she can make it play music all on her own.

She kicks like crazy, even when you're just holding her still in your lap.  When she sits in her chair, she can get right out of it if you don't strap her in.  We put her in it lastnight for the first time without straps and that's exactly what happened.  She propped her legs up on the seat to get some leverage and scooted her butt down little by little so she was basically out of it!  She hit the button accidentally too so it was playing music the entire time she was sneaking out.

Her favourite toys are Sophie the Giraffe and her Playgro Zany Zoo crinkly book.  I'm glad she likes Sophie because it's really expensive and it's supposed to be the toy, but to me it just looks like an over-priced dog toy.  The book has a handle on it that she likes to either hold on to, or put her arm through to wear the book like a little purse.

She's wearing mostly 0-3 month clothes still because she's pretty long and skinny, but she's definitely packing on the pounds these days.  We don't have a scale so I'm not sure her exact weight, but she's getting some serious rolls.  So cute!

Remembering "Bud"

There's never an easy way to tell your child that someone they loved has passed away.  Some kids will understand that it happens when you get really old. But what about when it happens to your teenage friend? What about your friend's parent? How do you explain that?

My parents had to have this talk with us far too many times through my teen years, and it never got any easier for either one of us.  My brother's friend passed away in a fire at age 10.  Four years later, in 2000, our friend passed away in a logging accident.  At least one friend of ours passed away each year after that until 2007.  Most were teens.  None had seen the age of 25.  I dread the day A asks where you go when you die?  Why do people have to die?  Will I ever get to see them again?

I don't have the answers to these questions.  All I know is that I'll never forget the friends I've lost.  I remember when they were here, and I remember finding out they were gone.  Isaac and I will do everything in our power to keep her happy and safe, but reality is that one day she will learn bad things sometimes happen to good people.  I want A to know that they're still a part of our lives, which is why I took her out to Wyatt's grave yesterday on the anniversary of his death.  I want her to see that it's ok to cry or yell.  It's ok to not know what to think.  Just keep showing your love for them.  Never forget them.  Write about them.  Visit them on their birthdays.  Listen to stories about them.  Live your life to the fullest and always say "I love you" to those you care about most.